spike tv's scream awards... the winners and my two cents.

so spike tv had this award show last night called, "Scream Awards 2006," in an attempt to bring light to an underappreciated film genre... horror.

now, i'm all for a good awards show... hell, i remember back when i was a kid, watching fangoria's chainsaw awards on satellite, and being tickled by treats such as robert englund hosting, a texas chainsaw renunion, and the amazing johnathan cutting off his own tongue...

spike tv has no buisness doing anything. it's a ridiculous network aimed at frat boy morons...

that being said, i am posting below, the categories they had, and what won, and then in bold my thoughts. now i didn't get the list of all nominees in every category because that's a lot of fucking typing, but let's say that about 80% of what won, dumbfounded me. and some of the shit that was nominated, astounded me equally, because it may not have had any buisness being in the category.

on with the tears of a fat rambler...

THE MOST ANTICIPATED MOVIE: "PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN: AT WORLDS END"

i admit, i anticipated this film. with how much i came over the first one, how could i not? i can't recall the other film nods, but this is a fair win because it was the summer of johnny depp love.

THE ULTIMATE SCREAM: “BATMAN BEGINS”

not an ultimate scream, but a good take on a good graphic novel that frank miller penned. didn't need to win for ultimate scream... fucking stupid...

BEST HORROR MOVIE: “THE DEVIL’S REJECTS”

while i'll be the first to say this was my favorite movie last year hands down, i wouldn't call it a horror movie. because it's not. it has nothing to do with monsters. it's a violent western at best. period. i'm happy for all involved in the win, it deserves an award of some kind, but not best horror, because it's not horror.

BEST FANTASY MOVIE: “PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN’S CHEST”

this is a fucking joke, right? the movie was awful.

BEST SCI-FI MOVIE: “V FOR VENDETTA”

once again, a good film, not a sci-fi! how the fuck is an action comicbook tale of overcoming opression considered fucking sci-fi!?

BEST TV SHOW: “BATTLESTAR GALACTICA”

can't comment on this since i've never seen the show, but i'll say this, if i had cable, i would probably be hooked on it. i loved the old battlestar and i heard the new one is fucking brilliant.

BEST SEQUEL: “PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN’S CHEST”

okay... i've got a really bad migrane... moving on...

FANTASY FOX: EVANGELINE LILLY AS KATE AUSTEN, “LOST”

are we really making this a category for a horror awards show? the hot chick that hasn't died yet on LOST wins? are you tugging my cock?

BEST REMAKE: “KING KONG”

someone should be murdered for this win. this film was the only time i've ever been disappointed with peter jackson. it was bad-bad-bad-bad...

BEST SUPERHERO: BRANDON ROUTH AS SUPERMAN, “SUPERMAN RETURNS”

wrong. christen bale as batman. period.

SEXIEST SUPERHERO: JESSICA ALBA AS “THE INVISIBLE WOMAN,” “FANTASTIC FOUR”

give me a fucking break...

BEST COMIC-TO-SCREEN ADAPTATION: “ARMY OF DARKNESS”

yeah... back in 1995... the comic came ten years later! FUCK I HATE THIS SHOW!

MOST MEMORABLE MUTILATION: THE EYE REMOVAL, “HOSTEL”

a good scene, but not the most memorable mutilation. i personally enjoyed just about every violent act in devils rejects.

MOST HEROIC PERFORMANCE: JOHNNY DEPP, “PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN’S CHEST”

wrong. a little goes a long way, and that film was sprinkled in shit.

SCREAM QUEEN: KATE BECKINSALE AS “SELENE,” “UNDERWORLD: EVOLUTION”

is this what people really think of when they put on an award show?

MOST VILE VILLAIN: LESLIE EASTERBROOK, SID HAIG, BILL MOSELEY AND SHERI MOON ZOMBIE AS “THE FIREFLY CLAN,” “THE DEVIL’S REJECTS”

a good win here, but i admit, i felt sympathy for all of them towards the end, despite being ruthless killers.

BREAKOUT PERFORMANCE: JENNIFER CARPENTER AS EMILY ROSE, “THE EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSE”

did anyone really like this fucking movie?

THE “HOLY SH%T!”AWARD: THE EYE REMOVAL, “HOSTEL”

yeah... because it was soooo realllllll.... gimme a break. how about bill mosely putting his gun down priscilla barnes pants and rubbing her pussy with the threat of it going off??? that was pretty fucking jarring...

BEST DIRECTOR: CHRISTOPHER NOLAN, “BATMAN BEGINS”

close, but no cigar.

BEST SCREAMPLAY: “BATMAN BEGINS,” WRITTEN BY DAVID S. GOYER & CHRISTOPHER NOLAN

no.

BEST FOREIGN MOVIE: “HIGH TENSION”

this film was gayer than eight guys blowing nine guys.

BEST FLESH SCENE: FAMKE JANSSEN & HUGH JACKMAN, “X-MEN: THE LAST STAND”

i fucking hate nerds now. i'm a self-hater because of this fucking category and win...

BEST COMIC BOOK: MARVEL ZOMBIES

ARE YOU SERIOUS!? ARE YOU REALLY FUCKING SERIOUS!? "THE WALKING DEAD," YOU FUCKING JACKOFF NAZI COCKSMOKING FAMILY FUCKING CUMRAGS!

BEST SCREEN-TO-COMIC ADAPTATION: “X-MEN: THE LAST STAND”

this show just get's worse and worse...

BEST RACK ON THE RACK: “VAMPIRELLA”

yeah, nevermind she-hulk, supergirl or wonderwoman, but a sixty year old vamipre broad... i wish murder wasn't frowned upon all of the sudden...

BEST COMIC BOOK WRITER: FRANK MILLER, “BATMAN & ROBIN”

no. brian k. vaughn - Y the Last Man. period.

BEST COMIC BOOK ARTIST: SEAN PHILLIPS, MARVEL ZOMBIES

no. mark texeira - ghost rider.

BEST F/X: “PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN’S CHEST”

i give up...

BEST INTERNET PARODY: “HOW SUPERMAN SHOULD HAVE ENDED,” HOW IT SHOULD HAVE ENDED.COM

BEST-WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK!?

MOST SHOCKING COMIC BOOK TWIST: PETER PARKER REVEALS THAT HE’S SPIDERMAN, “CIVIL WAR”

not shocking as it was so much really provacative.

COMIC-CON ICON AWARD: FRANK MILLER

how obvious...

SCREAM MASTERMIND AWARD: QUENTIN TARANTINO & ROBERT RODRIGUEZ, “GRINDHOUSE”

what? i love them both, but seriously?

SCREAM ROCK IMMORTAL: OZZY OSBOURNE

SCREAM ROCK CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW HE WRITES NEW LYRICS...

RUTHLESS FILMMAKER AWARD: DARREN LYNN BOSEMAN, ARK BURG, OREN KOULES, JAMES WAN AND LEIGH WHANNELL, “SAW ” FRANCHISE.

i wouldn't have given them a ruthless award so much as i would have given them a best original idea award.

i gotta go kill myself now...

deep in the heart of texas...

i waste a lot of money and my own time on films. i do. it's just my thing. i'm either at the movie theater or at the video store...

i grew up loving horror and to this day, no one in my family can understand why. i'm the only one who digs horror and i have a massive obsession for it.

when i was in highschool, after having seen edward furlong in, "brainscan," i tried to get my principal to let me create an afterschool club called, "the horror club," in which we'd watch films, and discuss them among comics, books, and other random horror items... he said no.

when i was a kid, i met a group of kids at this trailer park my grandparents were staying at, and they were the ones responsible for getting me to even look at the first, "texas chainsaw massacre," film...

after them telling me about it, i had my grandmother take me to the video store when she was watching me one saturday day, and i picked TCM without a moments hesitation... when we got home and she saw what it was, she about shit.

my cousin kenny came in to visit and said, "oh man... texas chainsaw massacre... grandma, you into this too?"

needless to say, grandma was a little more than warped by the images, but i was enthralled, and captivated by the sheer notion that humans on a country side could be considered to be so conceivable as to do such horrific things. it excited me in a way fear is supposed to i guess. the adrenaline rush had me... and from that point on, it was all downhill...

"texas chainsaw massacre part 2," to this day is my favorite of the series. it's campiness, humor, gore, and bill mosely/dennis hopper driven cast gets me everytime, but the others are passible too. i even like the marcus nispel remake which i wouldn't call a remake as much as a re-envisioning... they're all fair and decent in their own rights... aside from the one with rene zellwigger and matty mccaughney... i could never get into that one...

that being said, i get to take a massive shit on this latest installment, which i thought i would like due to the prequel story as it relates to the recent, "remake," and reunited the same cast...

the texas chainsaw massacre: the beginning.

the poster says, "witness the birth of fear..." and rightfully so...

you actually see leatherface, s'cuse me, thomas hewitt, born from a fat girl who dies while popping him out... and that was the only birth you see. his birth is it!

i was expecting this grand reasoning for why he is what he is, and does what he does... best i can figure, he's got a skin disease, and he's a bit retarded which, by hollywood standards means he's a born killer. lethal and malicious... stupid and thoughtless... what a fucking stupid excuse for a plot builder.

r. lee ermey plays the character that fuels thomas' bloodlust, and you never know why. it's like this family decides to stay put where they live even after the town dies out in the midst of vietnam, and out of nowhere, r. lee decides, "we're not leaving... god put food for us forth so we would never starve [meaning passerbys in their town]... let's be a family of cannible killers..." out of nowhere that happens. let's be killers... on a whim... it's fucking sad.

the film is shot like a snuff film which makes it look cool, but the look of the film is nothing to the recycled kills and plot twists it tooks from the previous film. it's shit we've seen before, and people we've seen before, locations we've seen before... it's all the same...

it would have been more entertaining had there been some inventive death scenes like the handgun suicide girl in it's predecessor, but nope. not one.

thinking about it now, i feel like someone just stuck their finger in my asshole for an hour and a half, played with the shit ridden lining of my butthole, and at the end of the hour and a half, in john laroquette's voice said, "would you like a slice of pie now?"